i am myself.

Sun, 02 May 2004 00:31:18 GMT

... so i'm failing some subjects. so i'm going to have to go to cram school. going to see if i can go to the one tatsube-chan goes to, cause at least i'll know someone there.

damn, there goes whatever free time i have. this really sucks. stupid english and history--shit, they're boring, how can i not fall asleep during tests?

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 02:34:34 GMT

wonder what are the things that make people happy. some people look unhappy all the time, but then just that one thing shows up, and they transform. some people are always happy, but then just that one thing is taken away, and they transform. some people are never happy and some people are never sad, and i kind of wonder what is that makes these people this way.

are they always happy because everything's perfect? friends, family, school, possessions, health, wealth, do they have it all? don't know. some people seem happy even though they might not have some of these things. some people aren't happy when they have all of them. and while some things make people happy, those same things make other people unhappy. does that make these things good or bad, or is it all relative? what causes pain and what causes joy and why does everyone receive these things so differently? does this mean that happiness is different for everyone too? what is happiness, then?

is happiness an emotion or a state of being? can you turn it off and on like a light? can you say, 'today i'm going to be happy' and be happy, no matter what happens to you?

so what's the big secret? when the future is just as scary as the present, what makes people smile and look to tomorrow while bearing today? and why is it that the things that can make you happy today, stop making you happy tomorrow?

do people like being happy? if they do, why don't they try to be happy more? why do they persist in suffering pain into the unknown tomorrow, if happiness is a nice thing? is it because they won't allow themselves to be happy? is it because they rely too much on something else to make them happy, and lack it? is it because they don't know what makes them happy? how can people not know what makes them happy? can someone really not understand 'happiness'...?

i think everyone wants to be happy, no matter what it means to them personally. they'll take so they can be happy, they'll give so they can be happy. they'll smile to be happy, they'll make others smile so they can be happy. they'll destroy to be happy, they'll destroy to make others happy so they themselves can happy.

... happiness is pretty selfish, and i don't think anyone really knows what it is.

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 05:58:56 GMT

am never cleaning my room again. can't find my famicom rom cds. only did it so oushi wouldn't break anything while he's over.

man, i am not downloading those again.

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 03:23:01 GMT

whoa. i have a floor.

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 02:00:37 GMT

neesan was pretty impressed with my cooking.

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 02:08:35 GMT

home.

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 05:55:06 GMT

'nay, but thou art evil, and hast made me forget my love, and hast tempted me with temptations, and hast set my feet in the ways of sins.'

and his soul answered him, 'thou hast not forgotten that when thou didst send me forth into the world, thou gavest me no heart.'

this shit is really cool.

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 21:32:09 GMT

feeling so goddamn lighter than air that i want to throw myself into the sea. what the fuck?

yanagisawa-san and kaneda both beat me during practice and i don't even care.

goddammit, i'm going to kill him. this is so stupid.

Sun, 11 Apr 2004 07:04:54 GMT

they say the last quarter of the moon represents death and rebirth.

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 06:25:56 GMT

hahahah
now that i'm in the possession of the one ring of power, what evil things should i do first?

also: oushi, you are a putz.

Fri, 09 Apr 2004 06:33:48 GMT

for the future let those who come to play with me have no hearts.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:41:47 GMT

seems like it's a veritable party at my place. (So, you‘re all invited to come on down and drive Spoon insane!) now all i need is (booze?) aniki and some (mad lovin’) go-go dancers.

asfa;jl sdfs 08

you'll be sleeping io in the bathtub to night.

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 01:00:22 GMT

man. kaneda, you've got to be the unluckiest guy in the universe. hey, at least it's only a week? if you need a break, you can always drop by.

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 23:49:13 GMT

holy fuck skydiving was theabsolute most fucking awesomething ever

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 03:18:37 GMT

man, just woke up.

ended up missing class and that stupid test. well shit, that was counterproductive. note to self: apply mallet to head instead of visiting the dorm's "pharmacy." at least you'd wake up in time for the thing you actually wanted to get sleep for.

guess tatsube-chan came by while i was sleeping. there's notes from class on my desk, and some soup in a thermos. probably thought i was sick... man, i didn't even hear her come in.

dead to the world, but don't even felt like i slept any.

[ certainly did dream a fucking lot though.

was sitting with tatsube-chan in my room, studying for the lit test. was getting really restless and bored, when kaneda climbs in through my window and sprints past us to the door, dressed like he's ready to skydive. well, that's a hell lot more interesting to me than studying, so i just get up to follow him.

only i can't get through the fucking door cause it's too small. peek through the keyhole and i can see the blue sky with its clouds beyond, and i can't get through the door. so i get all frustrated and kick at it. little bird swoops in overhead and tells me to 'keep my temper,' in mizuki-san's voice, which only makes me more mad. try to swipe at it and just fall on my ass. only now i'm looking at a glass table.

there's a cat sitting on it and it's got either aniki's or oushi's smile--the annoying one where they're trying to be patient with me or if they know something i don't.

so i ask it which way i should go.
it tells me that it depends on where i want to get to, in oushi's voice.
i tell it i don't care.
it tells me it doesn't matter, in oushi's voice.
but i want to get somewhere, out of here.
and it says that'll happen if i walk long enough, in aniki's voice.

this just pisses me off, cause it's speaking in riddles, so i swing at it. it disappears, except for that grin, which floats around me like some kind of annoying fly, spinning me around and around in a circle till the world is nothing but a blur.

reach out to steady myself, cause i think i'm really going to get sick, and someone catches my hand, and i'm being twirled around a ballroom by oushi. he's got the cat's grin, and he's fucking leading. start to get really pissed about this, but he tells me to keep my temper and we're going down a narrow hall bordered by many small windows. kaneda's there, and mizuki-san, and they're all dressed in suits for jumping, bright yellow, neon purple. and oushi's whirling me around and around and he's grinning and he asks me if i'm ready to fly.

he lets go and i spin right on out the yawning door into empty blue.

i fall, only i fall up, higher and higher, the blue turning to midnight turning to black. aniki falls past me, going down down, and i try to grab him, but he slips through my fingers, and there's nothing but emptiness filled with blazing stars watching me as i soar into a blossoming supernova.

... man, no drugs for me ever again. really wanted to go home tonight, guess i'll head over after morning classes tomorrow. ]

Fri, 02 Apr 2004 04:16:53 GMT

kept zoning out while studying with tatsube-chan today.

man, i'm so gonna flunk that test if i don't get any rest. words keep dancing around. wonderland's fucking right.

... someone suggested i see the dorm's... uh, pharmacy.

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 09:14:16 GMT

to insomnia:

fuck off.

yours,
fuji yuuta

Wed, 31 Mar 2004 07:01:29 GMT

don't want to do this. at all. oushi's a horrible teacher. better off asking mizuki-san.

don't want to fucking do this. goddammit.

[OOC: Yuuta went and deleted this entry at 7am the following morning.]

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 07:23:59 GMT

holyfuckijustrealizedidon'tknowhowtodanceformally

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 02:41:01 GMT

think i might as well open myself up for a rent-a-boyfriend business or something, at this rate. geezus. yeah. looking right at you. next time, i'm charging.

and i think i've been recruited in some sort of legolas and gimli love crusade while i was watching the movies with the girls... man, they're really weird at times. tatsube-chan thinks it's funny though. that's okay, the movies were good. tatsube-chan told me what they changed and what they didn't, so i'm kind of curious now. plus, watching her sing the ... uh.. bomba-whosit? guy's song from the books was really cute.

healing up okay. have a quick check-up tomorrow, just to 'make sure.'

... huh. think i might go home for a bit next weekend...

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 03:44:55 GMT

frodo is a friggin' puss.

and i'll never get why girls squeal over 'pretty' guys so much.

Sat, 27 Mar 2004 04:40:25 GMT

got invited to the girls' dorm to watch lord of the rings with tatsube-chan. she thinks it'll help generate some interest in the book for me. hey, i'm game, but she told me that the movies are really long, so i guess there goes my weekend.

took the liberty to try to teach kaneda how to stand up to bullies. hahaha, never knew he was so ticklish.

we're going skydiving next week. can't wait.

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 04:15:25 GMT

[ another dream again. not really that bad though. wouldn't think it'd be one of those 'dreams' if it weren't for the fact that i could remember it all day. don't normally remember my 'normal' dreams--just those.

but no one dies and there's no blood, and it's actually kind of funny, so i probably won't see neesan about it. just writing it down for prosterity's sake.

anyway, so the dream has me going to a pet store to buy a pet. the smiling clerk shows me the animals one by one.

first there's a bird. it's a really pretty bird, bright plummage and a beautiful voice. it sits in its gilded cage, chirping its little heart out. i'm fascinated by its beauty, but the more i listen, the more i realize that this is all it can do. it will just sit in its cage and sing for me. it won't offer me any real companionship--the moment i open the cage, it will fly away. i can't play with it for fear of damaging the beautiful feathers, i can't touch it or it will peck me, i can't do anything but sit and listen. but it really is so beautiful, and its song is so hypnotizing.

the smiling clerk then takes me to animal number two. he's a cute little rabbit. he has such large brown eyes and the softest beige fur. he hides behind a fake log at my approach, but the clerk pulls him out of his cage and gives him to me.

i can feel his heart beating wildly against my palm, his whiskers twitching. i stroke his ears soothingly and eventually he calms. but he's still timid, flinching at each pet, and he grows restless after a whlie, squirming to be free. i didn't want to hold him too tightly, because he might get hurt, so he jumps from my hands and lands back in his cage. i'm sorry to see it go, because it is so soft and so sweet, but it seems so much happier to huddle in its cage, watching us from behind the wire.

the smiling clerk then takes me to animal number three. she's a cute kitten, all black, with large, curious eyes. she's not shy at all, immediately springing into my arms to nuzzle my face. she's purring loudly, and her claws dig into my shirt and my skin. a cat might be just thing thing. cats are so beautfiul and clean and so very smart and easy to care for. and this one was affectionate, but still individualistic. how much would the cat really need me? to feed and care for her, maybe play with her. she would be able to be her own person, and i would be her caretaker and owner. but cats liked to tear things up, and they held grudges if slighted... her raspy tongue scratches my chin as i hand her back to the smiling clerk. i really like her, and i'm thinking about getting her.

and then the smiling clerk shows me a dog. he's a big dog, black and white, chewing on a toy chop. at a word, he sits up, obedient and proud. i pet him, and he licks my face enthusiastically. a dog could be fun. they're loyal and protective, love to play and highly affectionate. if you're lucky, they're smart too--and this one seemed smart we could even play fetch with my tennis balls or frisbees. but dogs could be a two way street, especially big dogs... they could turn on you at a moment's notice, biting the hand that feeds it. but a well-trained dog wouldn't do that. i rubbed the silky ears, getting a grin and a slobbery lick for my troubles. a dog wouldn't be bad either, and he would be such a wonderful companion.

so the smiling clerk looks at me, and i look back.

i couldn't decide. each had their own pros and cons.

so i said fuck this and bought an iguana. ]

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 07:00:59 GMT

was reading lord of the rings (tatsube-chan loves it and i promised i'd read it--must be fucking insane really...), and i just remembered.

hey oushi, where's my ring, dammit?

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 05:07:23 GMT

definitely don't recommend on ever getting hit by a car. hurts to sit and hurts to move--class was hell. didn't want to take the painkillers they gave me cause it was making me sleepy. so yeah. ow.

but damn, got a lot of treats while in the hospital. and out of it. mizuki-san even fed me strawberries, how about that?

thanks, everyone. but man, going to have to up my calisthetics...

oh, and sorry i had to ruin the balls-training bit, kaneda. can't believe mizuki-san's being such a prude about that skydiving thing. not gonna shatter if someone looks at me the wrong way, geez... just a couple of bruises, after all.

stiff as hell though. did some stretches, they helped a little.

[ nothing like 'what if i died' to make you reconsider your own immortality. huh. people don't think i'm very smart or perceptive, not like aniki, but that doesn't mean i can ignore something like this--or that i won't 'get' the fucking lesson.

so yeah. didn't sleep very well actually, while i was in that bed at the hospital. don't know if it was the drugs or what, but yeah...

feels like sand slipping through my fingers. feels like diamonds escaping my eye.

never thought about the future before. tatsube-chan asked me what i wanted to do when i was older (she wanted to be a teacher) and i don't know. don't think i ever will, and don't think i'll ever think about it.

cause tomorrow might not happen. really don't have any place to run now that i know that. ha ha ha ha, got hit by a car cause i ran away, sort of.

don't know what to think about me surviving like i did. don't actually think much about it now--i survived, no point to ask why. but i did think about it, just for a little bit. lucky-san thinks it's his lucky. don't have another answer for myself, so i'm willing to call it providence. ha ha ha, wonder what neesan would say to that, me believing in some supernatural power?

realized that there were some things i can change and some things i can't. can't change anyone else. can change myself.

can't change oushi's feelings, no matter how much i want to. so... well, got to accept them. accept them for what they are, as part of him, and just move on. and stop dwelling on it. cause it's fucking straining our relationship and there is no way in hell, no matter what, am i giving him up again. i'm not that stupid. so changing myself. changing the fact that even though i think he's fucking crazy and being a total stubborn ass, he apparently likes me... likes whatever vision of me he has.... and i got to accept that. asked him, and he's not going to change his mind--and it'd be really wrong of me to force him to. it's not my place to say what he should think.

so. oushi likes me. no problem. i can handle it.

yeah and then there's aniki.

yeah. aniki.

argh. ]